An old friend in the USA tells me:
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your tail end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ….
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is “He is different, she is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
4. Everywhere is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder”.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
3. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Nebraska where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.”
OR FINALLY
You can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog 
Had me laughing again. I haven’t been to all those places, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Thanks for the morning chuckle.
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Welcome 😀
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I’ve been in all these states and I have to admit these are largely true, funny but true. Esp. about the headless people driving cars in Florida!
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😀 😀 😀
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Reblogged this on Covey View and commented:
Chris wants to know if this is true.
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Thanks Meredith 😀
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I have no experience with any of these except for New York and that was over 50 years ago (Ouch. Did I say that?). It truly is the city that never sleeps and I don’t know how anyone else does either. N.o.i.s.e.y. 😦
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😀 😀 😀
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My husband would pick the Colorado option and I am probably already half way to Florida!! Very funny.
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😀 😀 😀
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Pretty much nails them all, with few exceptions. I’ve lived in Arizona, California, Texas and the Deep South. Would prefer to never live in New York, ever, not for any reason.
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If it never sleeps, neither would I Jack 😀
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I can only speak for New York (vaguely since I’m a suburbanite) and Florida. Starting with NY, that’s pretty much true. With so few trees, Central Park is the best source of ‘clean’ oxygen that they have and people need their delusions. If it has trees, grass, and squirrels then it definitely isn’t the projects. I have to chuckle about the Wisconsin thing too. My friend from the Bronx lived in Wisconsin for a few years as a kid, so he knows where it is on a map. He’s just too lazy to point at a map.
Florida sounds like the coast where the retirees are and I only know the central area where everything lives in the shadow of a giant mouse. Road construction is true (also for NY) and I’d recommend getting your affairs in order if you drive in Florida. People down there are freaking nuts behind the wheel. Nearly got hit my second day living there and I was on the sidewalk. By the way, one of the most common phrases I heard in that state was ‘I’m not racist, but . . .’ Surprised Texas isn’t on this list.
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My friend must have missed it Charles, can’t think why, it’s certainly big enough 😀
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Texas really is it’s own special place. Not even sure how to explain it.
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It’s got space to grow in 😀
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Minnesota sounds much like Ireland! 😂
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😀 😀 😀
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funny y’all come on down to h-town you hear now???
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😀 😀 😀
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No idea if any of these things are true but until proven otherwise, and this may never happen mind you, I’m going to swear by them. And, I’m going to new York soon so I’ll see if any of the city’s points are actually true. Good article.
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😀
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