Zoe Goes on a Diet

Posted on by Chris The Story Reading Ape

A more accurate title for this piece would be “Zoe Gets Forced to Diet.” And she is not the least bit happy about it.

Fans and friends, I, Zoe the Fabulous Feline, was humbled—yes, I was!—to hear that so many readers enjoyed my last story, Zoe Gets Fed, about how I manipulate my poor hapless human to feed me on demand. It’s a fun thing I do, although Emily may not agree, and it was a fun tale to tell. This one? Not so much. This is a tale of true woe, a harrowing ordeal to recall.

It was Vets Day. No, not that kind of vet, but the kind where I get taken against my will to a place of horrors. Institutional beige walls, stainless steel exam tables. You would think that they would put a warmed and preferably fluffy towel or something on those cold surfaces, right? But this is a place where felines, canines and all manner of creatures are subjected to inhumane treatment. What humans call medical care. When I saw her bring out the carrier, I should’ve known what was coming and hidden myself away, but alas, I did not.

I think I’m off to get my claws clipped. But noooooo . . . instead I got poked, prodded, and pinched. Yes, pinched! They pinched my skin together to create a fold of fat (their word, not mine) and stuck a needle right into it. Meee-ooooooow-ch!

Forget all that. Here’s the real rub. I am being put on a diet! Apparently, the vet thought I looked just a mite too chubby for my own good. Apparently, he has not looked in the mirror recently. He put me on that damned scale, and told my human that she is feeding me too much.

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I could not believe what I heard! Feeding me too much? I have to practically beg to get fed. Dear friends, you know from my last story that I have to go around opening the kitchen cabinets, all of them—over and over again—until she tires of closing them and gives me what I demand. But the vet said that if I did not lose weight, I would become diabetic. Die-a-what? Diabetic, diet . . . I don’t know. All I know is that I now have an intense dislike of words that begin with di.

“First,” said the not-too-svelte vet, “remove that self-feeder of dry food.” (I am having a panic attack just remembering his words.) Then he told her that, on any day when I’m having a three-ounce can of wet food, I can have only one-third cup of dry food. One third cup? For the entire day? Isn’t that called starvation? I complained like crazy but nobody listened to me.

My human is such a robot; she did exactly as she was told. I bet if her vet put her on a diet, she wouldn’t like it one bit and she’d cry like a little girl! When we got home, she removed the self-feeder and I maintained my cool. She measured exactly one-third cup of dry food into my feeding bowl and put it down in front of me, telling me that this was going to hurt her more than me. Sure, easy for her to say. That puny amount of food would not satisfy a bird! Still, I maintained my cool.

Then she patted me on the head and tried to look like she felt bad about taking away my food. And I swiped that little dish so hard the food went flying all over the place. Then I walked away, cool as could be (while giving her‘The EYE’ treatment).

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She’s lucky I didn’t bite the hand that didn’t feed me.

See more of my tales starting HERE.

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60 thoughts on “Zoe Goes on a Diet”

  2. HI Zoe. Elijah Moon here. I am chubby, or what the vet calls a BIG cat. My human tried to get me to lose weight, and I did lose 2 pounds, but I made her life miserable and she sort of gave up. You can check out my picture on her blog – I think she wrote about me in desperation last year. Good luck with the diet – actually if your human bathes you, everyone will see how thin you are when your fur is wet. Another trick to try.

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    • Elijah Moon! How are you? I will check out your photo. So…about that tip, sounds like the truck Emily tries to look thinner; you know, the all black outfits! That’s because, while she takes pride in putting moi on a diet, she can’t even say the word, never mind apply it to herself!

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  3. Hi Zoe, Lady G. here. I feel your pain. My human sets out a half cup of dry and ONE teaspoon of wet, canned food in the morning. That’s all I get! Yeah, I know. Until the next day, can you believe that? She sticks her head in the fridge all day long some days and leaves me with this puny… Bah.

    I’m sharing and am not whining when I tell you she throws rattling toys in the air and expects me to jump up and catch them. I’m not a dog. Sheesh. Sometimes I surprise myself and do enjoy showing off, but then she doesn’t know when to stop. Does your human play with you and make you exercise and make a fool of yourself?

    Don’t get anorexic like Mitchell. Eat when you can. Have you considered helping yourself to some of your human’s food when she’s not looking? Think about it. =^.^=

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    • Dear Lady G, I am quaking in my booties! One teaspoon? One?! Outrageous! :::sigh::: one day, they will make cat-friendly cans of food and then we won’t need silly humans! My human plays with me sometimes…but not often. That would be too much exertion for her? My favorite game is hide and seek, though. She hides but I don’t seek, I eat! You know what they say…what they don’t know….

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      • Sigh. We are royal! Why don’t humans understand? They’re a thick bunch, aren’t they?
        I’m all for those cat-friendly cans. I’ll watch for them. Are you allowed outside? Me neither. Cold out there, I hear. My human has an electric blanket. I love sleeping on her bed. The only plus about her. Sheesh.

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        • You guessed right! I am NOT allowed outside! That’s why I have to show my superiority toward Mr. Big Stuff through the deck door glass and why I strut my stuff , again behind the glass, when Mr. Gray Wolf comes around–more about those two in a future tale!!

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    • Hey Danny, listen…try to feel at least a little bad for me, hmmm? Just think if your human DID put you on a diet….I would feel badly for YOU! It’s called empathy…..geesh….

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  7. From Ashley Juniper, grey cat (typed by her human):

    I totally get where you’re coming from, Zoe. I tell Floofymonkey — that’s my pet name for my human, ’cause he has longer head-fur than his littermate– that I’m NOT fat, I’m semi-cobby. I’m supposed to be this size. Besides, I’m less than half the size of his littermate’s previous feline overlord, and no one ever said SHE was fat. It was more like, ‘Oh my god, look at the size of that cat! What is she, a small puma?!?’ How am I supposed to be like her and K-O large dogs with a single swat of my little grey paw if I don’t have some mass to put behind it? Also, I have littermates of my own here — three of them — plus my mom and HER littermate. (Mom’s sister is semi-cobby, too, but no one talks about putting HER on a diet.) If the amount of food in our bowl is reduced, I’M not the one who’ll be eating less, I can promise you that.

    My human laughed out loud at this part: ‘Apparently, the vet thought I looked just a mite too chubby for my own good. Apparently, he has not looked in the mirror recently.’

    From Thomas Weaver, human (typed by himself): I know it’s not easy going on a diet, Zoe, but look at it this way: if you lose a bit of weight, you won’t have to go to the vet as often. Plus, lithe cats are better hunters; I don’t think any ‘kitty of size’ has ever caught the red dot, and even nip-mousies are harder to hunt if you’re carrying extra ounces.

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    • Dear Ashley, we must be soul-sisters! You keep your eyes on the prize (food dish), my Sistah! And dear Thomas, I know your heart is in the right place, but I have caught that red dot! Of course it slipped through my paws but I had it once, I did!

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  8. Oh dear! Both are cats are on the chubby side. We have never tried to put them on a diet, with the excuse that they run and play the garden so they are getting some exercise (very poor excuse, I know!).

    A few years ago, we had to force our dog to diet (our vet said that she looked like a side table!) and we were giving her ‘obesity management’ dog food. There seriously is such a type of dog food (momentarily, I wondered whether it would work on humans as well, but decided not to try it). Anyway, our dog eventually lost the extra kilos but also lost her side-table appeal. Although I bet she still remembers these awful months.

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  9. My dear Zoe. My name is Mitchell and first may I say you look absolutely lovely my dear. My person Melissa tried the same foolish thing with me several years ago. She forced me to share 1 3oz can of wet food and 1 cup of dry food with my sister, Molly. Hardly enough to keep a bird alive. And I’m a big boned boy mind you.

    Well after several years of this treatment, Melissa finally woke up and realized I had lost too much weight! In fact after spending 1500.00 on doctor bills the foolish woman was told I had developed anorexia. I refused to eat anything that wasn’t baby food. Now silly Melissa is forced to make me a very high-fat diet of pureed ham and chicken, just to get me to put on weight.

    I certainly showed her. I hope your person will be less foolish than Melissa.

    Yours, Mitchell Lafayette

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    • Dear Mitchell, thank you for the compliment! You sure DID show Melissa who is boss, way to go! Imagine…expecting you to share that measly amount of food with your sister! I agree…foolish humans. And very smart cats!

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