Zoe Goes on a Diet

A more accurate title for this piece would be “Zoe Gets Forced to Diet.” And she is not the least bit happy about it.

Fans and friends, I, Zoe the Fabulous Feline, was humbled—yes, I was!—to hear that so many readers enjoyed my last story, Zoe Gets Fed, about how I manipulate my poor hapless human to feed me on demand. It’s a fun thing I do, although Emily may not agree, and it was a fun tale to tell. This one? Not so much. This is a tale of true woe, a harrowing ordeal to recall.

It was Vets Day. No, not that kind of vet, but the kind where I get taken against my will to a place of horrors. Institutional beige walls, stainless steel exam tables. You would think that they would put a warmed and preferably fluffy towel or something on those cold surfaces, right? But this is a place where felines, canines and all manner of creatures are subjected to inhumane treatment. What humans call medical care. When I saw her bring out the carrier, I should’ve known what was coming and hidden myself away, but alas, I did not.

I think I’m off to get my claws clipped. But noooooo . . . instead I got poked, prodded, and pinched. Yes, pinched! They pinched my skin together to create a fold of fat (their word, not mine) and stuck a needle right into it. Meee-ooooooow-ch!

Forget all that. Here’s the real rub. I am being put on a diet! Apparently, the vet thought I looked just a mite too chubby for my own good. Apparently, he has not looked in the mirror recently. He put me on that damned scale, and told my human that she is feeding me too much.

photo 6     photo 7

I could not believe what I heard! Feeding me too much? I have to practically beg to get fed. Dear friends, you know from my last story that I have to go around opening the kitchen cabinets, all of them—over and over again—until she tires of closing them and gives me what I demand. But the vet said that if I did not lose weight, I would become diabetic. Die-a-what? Diabetic, diet . . . I don’t know. All I know is that I now have an intense dislike of words that begin with di.

First,” said the not-too-svelte vet, “remove that self-feeder of dry food.” (I am having a panic attack just remembering his words.) Then he told her that, on any day when I’m having a three-ounce can of wet food, I can have only one-third cup of dry food. One third cup? For the entire day? Isn’t that called starvation? I complained like crazy but nobody listened to me.

My human is such a robot; she did exactly as she was told. I bet if her vet put her on a diet, she wouldn’t like it one bit and she’d cry like a little girl! When we got home, she removed the self-feeder and I maintained my cool. She measured exactly one-third cup of dry food into my feeding bowl and put it down in front of me, telling me that this was going to hurt her more than me. Sure, easy for her to say. That puny amount of food would not satisfy a bird! Still, I maintained my cool.

Then she patted me on the head and tried to look like she felt bad about taking away my food. And I swiped that little dish so hard the food went flying all over the place. Then I walked away, cool as could be (while giving her‘The EYE’ treatment).

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She’s lucky I didn’t bite the hand that didn’t feed me.

See more of my tales starting HERE.


60 thoughts on “Zoe Goes on a Diet

  1. Tink here: This was even more scary than I thought it would be when I heard about the stainless steel exam table over on your reblog. DIET means not enough to eat? I hope nobody ever says that word in MY direction.

    I only have a tiny bowl and – so far – Mom keeps filling it up, even if I have to remind her some days. But then I only have a tiny tummy, so I don’t even always finish what she leave out for me (mostly I leave behind those dry health-food chunks – yuck!). Sometimes she forgets that there is an empty bowl and a hungry puppy – but I can always bump her trackball arm, then she follows me and I can remind her of what she needs to know THIS time.

    Mom only cuts back on the food in the bowl on training days – but I get TONS of treats on those days, so I actually like it better when that happens. So tell me – is the horror behind you now?
    Woof! TINK

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, Tink, it *was*….then I got taken to that godforsaken place again recently. (Read all about it on 2/14…how ironic!) And again my human was told I was “a little” overweight. So far, though, she hasn’t really done anything about it. I am still getting a decent amount of food plus treats, fortunately. For her.

      Liked by 2 people

      • What’s so bad about more to cuddle? I don’t get the 2-legses obsession with what we weigh. If they were as concerned with what THEY weigh and tried that starvation diet thing themselves, they’d sure think twice.

        Are you hiding food? Mom hates it when I don’t leave mine in the bowl, but hey, she’s not always quick on the uptake and I like to make sure I can find a snack when my bowl is empty.
        Woof! Tink

        Liked by 1 person


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