Death is funny.
I was well into my teens before I realized everybody else in the world lived their lives sequentially. I can see the advantage to doing things that way. I just don’t have the luxury of choosing to do so. The matrix glitched for me.
Ever since I was a child, I knew that my death was going to be hilarious. And I’m okay with that. It has a way of removing fear from my life, since I know. And when I do think of dying, it makes me laugh. Even still. Some jokes never get old.
Nightmares are cool. I used to think horror films were funny. They looked so fake. But as the monsters became more realistic, they started to match with my dreams. Now I just think they look awesome. Besides, that’s not how I die. So nothing to be afraid of.
I tried all the tricks they tell you to see if you are awake or asleep. Sometimes they work. But if I’m asleep and my mind doesn’t want me to know, it seems to be able to circumvent the whole thing. So I’ll thoroughly convince myself I’m awake, until I wake up. But, true story, sometimes I wake up in a dream and I’m still dreaming. That’s pretty cool, too. Because the next wake up is a complete surprise. Then I’m like, “Nice one, brain! You totally tricked me!”
We get along great, my brain and I.
Dreams are real. The monsters are real. That’s what makes it so funny!
I moved a lot as a kid. Each time I hoped the next place we moved would be Narnia or Mars or Neverland. It didn’t happen, though. Turns out the rent in Wonderland is really expensive and my parents just couldn’t swing it. But once again, my friend-brain to the rescue! I found my own way in. I understand the people there. They aren’t afraid of death either. In fact, sometimes the characters are like, “Dude, you totally want a really huge death scene. That’s the best.” But it just makes me laugh. Because death is funny, and I already know mine.
If you get this, come find me. My brain’s a nice friend, but sometimes I have lonely patches… like fourth grade and what I think will be three and half years in the future. If you have some time in one of those slots, it could be epic. (I’m on FB and Twitter. Twitter is a lot like how I see my life. But then, when I’m on Twitter, it’s like my life squared.)
Eventually I learned how to tone it down enough that everybody going through their lives sequentially could understand my world. The trick was to write it in books. And once I found a line of communication, you know, one that stayed the same through the whole non-sequential timeline of my humorous existence, it really helped. Other people text or chat on Facebook. I write books. It’s really the same thing.
I can’t tell you how I die. First of all, you wouldn’t see how funny it is. Maybe if you read some of my books you would. Maybe I’ll tell you then.
You can also get them on Nooks, Kobos and iBooks, too. And, get this, they print them on paper sometimes. The worst part about slipping around in time, I know for sure I’ll never be Batman. But I do get a short stint as a… (You’re probably not ready to hear that one).