If you’re like a lot of authors, you’re starting to feel annoyed at the number of “publicists” filling your email inbox with sugary messages about your brilliant talent. The headers are usually quotes from your Amazon reviews, something like:

Fast, Funny, and Fair, Delivering a Twist-filled Mystery…that’s Ignored by Amazon!

Expensive shoes, angry demons…and Amazon’s Silent Treatment.

They all tell you how your prodigious talent is being ignored by the world because you haven’t had good marketing advice.

But publicist XYZ, who usually has no Web presence–or is impersonating a real publicist–promises that she (it’s usually a she) will do one or more of the following: