Danny’s Annual Christmas Message

Posted on by Chris The Story Reading Ape

Danny’s Annual Christmas Message

Well, it’s that time of year where I have to set the world right with my message of peace and love. It’s a big responsibility, but it’s the least that I can do for my fellow canines and their humans.

I reckon I should first introduce myself to those of you who have been off planet for the last few years. I am Danny the Dog, dog extraordinaire. Humans wait with bated breath for my monthly epistles to appear in print. Scientists consult me for the cure of various diseases. And Andrew, my human, needs me to turn on his computer every morning. You would think by now he would have mastered the complicated process of pressing a particular button, but you’d be wrong.

Before I get to my message of peace and love, I’d like to tell you a little about my trials and tribulations with Andrew this past year. Not all of them, of course, because there are just too many. We would be well into the New Year before I could complete the list.

First and foremost, he gave me a haircut. I’ve included before and after pictures to show you the ignominious, entirely egregious, humbling, humiliating, demeaning, and degrading—not to mention downright mortifying—outcome of his endeavor. Look at me before. I was majestic, magnificent, regal, and real cool looking. Now look at the after picture. What a lousy excuse for a dog. I didn’t go outside for two months while I waited for my fur to grow back. I couldn’t let my fans see me in such a sorry state of being. Now I know how Samson must have felt when he got his haircut from that duplicitous dame.

danny-pissed-off          danny-shadow

Next, I had a bone stolen from me by a criminal cat. And I think Andrew was in cahoots with the evil beast. This is what happened. A neighbor of ours who goes by the handle, “Crabby Mike” because he sells stone crabs (when they’re in season) on the street corner right outside the marina, came by and gave Andrew a big old steak bone for me. I like Crabby; he’s always bringing me bones. But this one had a lot of meat left on it and Andrew toyed with the idea of keeping it for himself. I showed him a few bared teeth and he was disabused of that idea real quick.

So we’re sitting on the dock—Andrew, in a chair, and me chewing on that luscious, juicy bone. When I had eaten most of the meat, I thought I’d save the rest for a later snack. Maybe while I’m watching The Kardashians. I can’t wait to see what Kim’s butt is going to do this week.

Anyway, I ambled off the dock and onto the grass that is beside our boat and dug a shallow hole. Then I proceeded to drop said bone into said hole and push dirt over it with my snoot. Andrew tells me he always knows when I’ve buried a bone because I come back with a dirty snoot. And I hate to admit it, but the old guy is right.

Now we get to the devious and despicable conspiracy. Mind you, I did not know about any of this while the dastardly deed was being carried out against poor little me.

With my work complete, I went back to the dock and lay down. We live at the end of the dock by ourselves because Andrew has a phobia of people. So, I was facing the other end of the dock just in case any marauding mercenaries appeared (one can never be too vigilant), and ol’ Andrew was sitting in a chair, sipping on a beer, and contemplating his navel. After a while, we went inside and did our usual canine and human things until it was time to turn in. So far, all is well in Dannyland.

The next day when I went to retrieve my treasure and resume my chewing, I received the shock of my life. It was gone. There was a residual scent, but no bone! I sniffed around, thinking I might have misplaced it, but no. My sniffer kept bringing me back to the same spot. I pawed a little at the dirt, but to no avail.

That’s when I looked up at Andrew, tilted my head in the cute, adorable way that I do, which conveyed my thoughts. Where is my damn bone? Andrew answered thusly: “I didn’t have the heart to tell you last night, but while you were guarding the dock, a cat came up behind you and sniffed around, found your bone, and ran off with it.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. What a traitor. When I accused him of skullduggery, he said that being Christmastime, we should share our abundance with the less fortunate and that is why he sat by and watched the theft without raising an alarm.

I don’t see him donating any of his beer to the Salvation Army.

I have so many other adventures to tell you about, but I guess they’ll have to wait. It is now time for my message of peace and love. And I must tell you that this message will transform the planet. When you humans read this, you will stop your ceaseless warring with one another. With your energies not directed at killing each other, a new renaissance will emerge. Arid deserts will be made to bloom. They will become cornucopias, spilling forth food to feed all of humankind. Hunger will be eliminated. Humans will reach for the stars and populate the galaxy with their progeny. And maybe, just maybe, The Kardashians will be cancelled.

So without further ado, this is my marvelous, magnificent message . . .

Oops, we’re out of time. I’ll have to tell you about it next Christmas.

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60 thoughts on “Danny’s Annual Christmas Message”

  1. Danny you are a cute story teller, YOU KEPT ME IN SUSPENSE, waiting for your xmas message. Yes the world needs healing from all the chaos and We can help be putting into writing our feelings. I do agree with Andrew Joyce, something is wrong wit the world indeed. Hope people have a great Christmas void of hassles and Pains. I will also publish my Christmas message on Unorthordox2016.wordpress.com

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  2. Just for the record and to clear my good name, a cat did come and dig up Danny’s bone. We have a whole slew of stray cats living in the marina. Anyway, ye of little faith. Danny once told you that all his stories are true . . . and they are. The only slight misrepresentation (if you want to call it that) is that Danny would ever watch the Kardashians. I think he was using the show as a metaphor for what is wrong with the world.

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  4. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    It is that time of year that those of us of a certain persuasion (Danny Acolytes) await our master’s voice in the form of the annual message. It would seem that Danny has managed to overcome the challenges of supervising his human Andrew but not without sacrifice. He was forced to lose his golden locks to appease a whim of his mercurial co-habitant. Not just that he lost something highly valued. Anyway head over and read Danny’s message and may all his wishes for the world come true.. including the cancellation of The Kardashians.. Merry Christmas Danny.. he who must be obeyed.

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  5. Reblogged this on TINA FRISCO and commented:
    Cripes! How many rotten things can one good dog tolerate? Danny the Dog is over at Chris’ place on The Story Reading Ape filling us in on Andrew’s supercilious shenanigans. Oh, and the telling is so comprehensive that his Christmas message has to be insinuated. But hey, when your dander is up and you’re given a platform to vent . . . 🙂

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    • Hi Tink,
      As Andrew and I have both said, the cat story is true. Why do you find it so hard to believe that a cat can be a thief? About my Christmas joy? Don’t you know? The Kardashians got sick and tired of their own show and will not be on next year. That’s the best Christmas present I ever did get!!!
      Woof to you too.

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      • I’m so glad for you. Mom says the kids probably decided they made enough money already, or some matriarch died or something.

        She thinks most TV is dumb, so we don’t have one – we only know about Kardashians from the covers on those magazines and papers we see when we’re in line to pay for things at our drug store (and some of the gazillion stupid ads that freeze our browser on a lot of blogs by 2-legses we never visit more than once).

        They seem kind of annoying to me too – those Kardashians I mean, not just the part where I have to reload the browser. (That’s REALLY annoying, not just sort-of.) Mom says it somehow gets those bloggers money to buy things and that, since money is the only reason they blog, the best thing to do is to make sure we never give them any attention — or money.

        I don’t know much about cats, btw, except what I read online (Mom’s allergic). So if you agree with Andrew that a cat stole your bone, who am I to argue? Some other commenter said they don’t, which is where I got the idea.

        Woof! Tink

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  7. Aw heck, I was sitting here prepared to be awed by your message too. I can’t sit and wait till next Christmas so I’ll just pass on my own message. A merry Christmas wish to you and Andrew, and to the world, GROW UP and stop killing people. It’s time for peace.
    Hugs

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    • David, you mean you were not awed by my story telling? By my spelling most words correctly? I think I did pretty darn good for a dog that get computer time only when his lord and master passes out dead drunk for the night. Besides, take heart, I read where the Kardashians are not going to be on next year. Their choice, but what a great Christmas present to the world!

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  8. Gee whiz, Danny… I could have my sister crochet you something warm to wear the next time you get scalped. Do you have a favorite color? Now, regarding the bone… I have had a chat with our cats and they seem to be of the opinion that a cat would NOT have dug up that bone and run off with it… just sayin…

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    • Andrew felt he had to defend himself. Read his missive, which is somewhere above. Andrew has a code. He thinks it’s okay to lie his ass off to humans, but he has never lied to me. He doesn’t hold with getting me all excited by telling me we’re going for a walk and then not coming through. As he has told me time and time again when I start demand he leave his computer and take me for the walk that he had promised, “Alright already! I got a big mouth, but I said I’d take you, so let’s go and get the damn thing over with.”
      He doesn’t like exercise.

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